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a dreamer dreams she never dies.
it is really frustrating to feel like you have literally done everything that you can to make someone understand, only to have them continuously push you away. i have done some shitty fucking things, but what else am i supposed to do but recognize it and apologize? i refuse to apologize to the same person every day for the rest of my life, because i don't hate myself for what i did. executed poorly, yes, but done in the only way i could think of at the time. there is literally no more explaining or apologizing i can do. i am sorry you hate me, and that you think that i think you're a bad person. i never thought that, even though i think it's really shitty you only shut me down when i tried to apologize or explain why things happened the way they did.
i don't think anyone realizes how much i was hurt by this situation as well. that i cried endlessly over my decision and the fact i knew it would not only hurt me but other people in my life. that i did consider sacrificing my happiness for the sake of others.
it's been driven into the ground. stomped. it's dead now. even andrew looks frustrated if i bring it up (though rarely i do), saying that if i know what i did was right for me then why do i think about what one person thinks of me? i said: "because she is literally the only person in the world that has ever thought i was a bad person, AND I DON'T FEEL LIKE I AM." i cried, he patted my hair.
it is what it is and there's nothing else i will ever be able to do about it.
5:42 p.m. - 2013-12-01
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